The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
