I met the friendliest cop last night
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
