dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
