I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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