Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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