Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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