he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
