tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
