I got chris browned last night
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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