I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You did what with his pubic hair?
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