They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
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