im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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