Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
