I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
