she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dicks are not precious.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
