Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
