Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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