Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
