She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
