my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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