You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
