He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
