I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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