My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
