i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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