You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
