She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
