It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
