my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
