Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
