His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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