I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
