So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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