you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
