cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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