dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
