i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
