I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
