yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
