I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
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when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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