Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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