I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
