ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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