I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
