I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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