weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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