I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This house was built for laser tag.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
