You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
