anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
