Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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