I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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