If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
