You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
