Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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