Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
