Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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