where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
