Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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