this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
