Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
